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0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed She told him "tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! 
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,  brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. | A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
 One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old dogs...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! | |
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fe ll into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.' 
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
 The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
 Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
 The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. 
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
| | | THE INHERITANCE! Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died so he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a month or two my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars".
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much more duplicitous than men. 
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the
Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar, put wood upon it, cut the cow in pieces, and laid it upon the
altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of
water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now", said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah
pour water over the cow on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a week
to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just
couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past
the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
CHURCH SMILES
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable or
hazardous in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments,"
answered the lady. AMISH
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
SUNDAY LESSON
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by Mom asked him what
that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk Hello, IBM? Yup. Can you come and fix the printer. It's jammed..... O.K. Can you confirm the make of the printer? ITP443 CTR B16 And the problem? It's the mouse...it's stopping everything. ......? Is the cursor frozen on screen? No, no, it's the mouse.... it's stuck ......  Some Good Links!! New Wine for Seniors California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as... PINO MORE (I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!)
Will and Guy's Strange but True Stories - Hospital
A woman telephoned St Mary’s Hospital and asked to speak to Ward E2 as
she was enquiring as to the progress of one of the patient’s in that
ward. She explained that she wanted to know if the patient was getting
better, doing as expected or getting worse.
 A staff nurse answered the phone, "Hallo, Ward E2. What is the name of
the patient and his room number?"
"He is in bed 1, room 10, "came the reply, "And his name is Albert
Brown."
"Could you hold the line for a moment, "the nurse asked, "While I check
his records. Ah, yes, Mr Brown is doing well: blood pressure OK, blood
test results appear normal, he’s going to be taken off the heart
monitor and if he continues to improve then Doctor Svoboda is going to send
him home tomorrow at midday."
"Oh, that’s super, amazing, I’m so pleased to hear the news; it really
is fantastic, thank you so much."
"You sound so glad,"replied the nurse, "You are so and enthusiastic you
must be a close friend or a relative of Mr Brown."
The man answered, "Not exactly, I’m Albert Brown in Ward E2, room 10,
bed 1. Nobody in here ever tells me anything."
Footnote:
In case you are wondering, Albert's day job is a ventriloquist. While
this is a strange but true story, all other details have been changed
to protect the innocent.
Here are actual calls to computer technical support reps:
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
 Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
==============================================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it into the computer
yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
==============================================================
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
==============================================================
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
==============================================================
 Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it? {mosimage}  A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then he
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for
the last 25 years."
Sunday 14th January 2007 This week’s Gospel told the story of the Wedding Feast at Cana. What most people don’t know is that the morning after the wedding, Joseph woke up with a terrible hangover! Of course Mary didn’t have a lot of sympathy for him, but Joseph did manage to raise his head from the pillow and ask his beloved wife to go downstairs and fetch him a glass of water. But he pleaded, ‘Don’t let Jesus near it!’  THE BAPTISM A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the
river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you
ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up
and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?" What religion are you?
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'  A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"  "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." Funny Warning Signs On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.' On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.' In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.' Eye Test  A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.' |
