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The Old One's are the Best!!!! > Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. -------------------------------------------------------------------- > Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. > Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' > 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' > 'Is it common?' > 'It's not unusual.' > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. > > > 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' > > 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' > > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. > > Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' > > 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' > > 'No, because he's really heavy' > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > > 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' > > 'Well you can't say fairer than that then' > > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > So I went to the dentist. > > He said 'Say Aaah.' > > I said 'Why?' > > He said 'My dog's died.' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said > > 'Who's speaking please?' > > And a voice said 'You are.' > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > So I rang up my local swimming baths. > > I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' > > He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > So I rang up a local building firm, > > I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' > > He said 'I'm not stopping you.' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 > people in my family, so it must be one of them. > > It's either my mum or my dad. > > Or my older brother Colin. > > Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. > > But I think it's Colin. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and > he said 'You've been promoted.' > > And I swerved. > > And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' > > And I swerved again. > > He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' > > And I went into a tree. > > And a policeman came up and said > > 'What happened to you?' > > And I said 'I careered off the road.' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? > > The one I was in went back and forwards. > > I thought 'This is unusual'. > > And the dentist said to me > > 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > > So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give > me a lift?' > > I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other > > 'Does this taste funny to you?' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and > the other was eating fireworks. > > They charged one and let the other one off. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. > > They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' > > So that was nice. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > A man walked into the doctors, > > The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' > > The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several > places' > > The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. > > He wasn't very happy. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't > find any. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I bought some HP sauce the other day. > > It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of > them would have seen it. > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Phone answering machine message - > > '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...' > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. > > He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. > > A strong currant pulled him in. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. > > He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' > > The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. > > They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that > you can't have your kayak and heat it. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with > hundreds and thousands. > > Police say that he topped himself. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' > > The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!' >
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Jubilee 2025
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